when i start a post, i’m prompted to put it in a “category.” i could put this post under any number of categories, but the truth is, the only category for this one is “me.” this is personal. this is me. sure, it’s about my photography. but if the past year has taught me anything, it is that my photography is me. and me, well, i’m many things, but a big part of what i am is my photography. forgive me this brain dump. i promise to throw some photographs in at the end.
i believe that some things in life are simply meant to be. destiny, coincidences, fate, call it what you will. the fit is just.so.darn.right. so perfect. how could it be anything other than divine destiny? maybe the timing isn’t right. it will wait. some things are just meant to be. eventually.
for my life, i have taken photographs. it has been my way of connecting with a world that i didn’t always understand. it has been my way of expressing what i so often can’t explain or can’t quite put into words. growing up, i did not know my natural father, my birth father. i had a few pictures, but after age 5, that was all i had. pictures. pictures of a man who will always have dark hair and a beard in my mind. who will always hold a little five year old girl in white Easter dress at a park in allentown, pennsylvania. pictures. tucked away. taken out and gazed at. wondered at. imagined with. fingered gingerly. held up next to my face in a mirror. danced with. spoken to. yelled at. cried over. pictures. pictures have been such an intimate part of my life since, well, forever. at least it seems that way.
i guess it can be no wonder then that permanent images, photographs, have always held special magic for me. they recall, remind, bring back. they can fill a space in life where there is an emptiness. they don’t replace, but sometimes they’re all you have.
so, that’s my backstory.
and here’s the frontstory.
one year ago, more or less, i was at a lake enjoying the day with my kids. my third daughter was trying repeatedly to catch a butterfly. i was taking photographs of her, the butterfly, the lake, the beauty of the day. i was trying to capture it and take it with me, so i could hold it close later. a woman approached me and asked if i were a professional photographer, something i have always wanted to do but just couldn’t see the path to do it. in what seemed like minutes in my head but was probably only a pregnant pause in real life (“am i a photographer?” “a professional?” “should i say that?” “take pictures and do what i love to do?” “for people other than family and friends?” “what if people think i don’t know what i’m doing?” “what if i really suck and no one has told me that yet?” “what if i’m not good enough?” “oh, what the heck, what’s to lose?” “she’s a lady in the park, who knows, just go with it”), i decided to start my photography business. that’s what it took. and i ran with it.
the past year has been an adventure of trying and figuring and learning and screwing up and getting by and succeeding and yes, some failing. it has been me putting myself out there and then taking a look around to see who and what else is out there. it has been finding myself, finding my photography in myself and finding the guts to let my photography be me. in as much as i hope to capture someone’s spirit in their images, i leave a part of myself in every shutter click. photography is very personal for me. it reveals as much about me as it does about my subjects. it is easy to grab your camera and emulate what you see in someone else’s images, to grab their ideas, copy their style. there are some photographers whose work i look at that shines, it is unique in as much as they are unique individuals, as it should be. and then there are other photographers that are as bland as bland can be. the photographs may be technically accurate (though sometimes they’re not), but there is no soul to them. you could line them all up and they all look the same and you would not know one photographer from the other. it is easy to start doing what you see everyone else doing. it is hard work to figure out “you” in your photography. it’s that “something” that you can’t put your finger on when you look at a photographer’s images. you know it when you see it.
and that’s where i am, and where i’ve been over the past year ~ finding my vision, finding the “me-ness” in my photography. like a kettle brewing, coffee percolating, soup simmering, wine aging. i’ve been sitting with things. and taking pictures. and thinking. and going through years and years of images. looking for me. it’s been a year. i know it’s a continually evolving process, but i thought i’d show you were i am with things.
i am finally feeling comfortable enough to bring together a collection of my images into a portfolio, an online gallery. until now, if you saw my work, it was on my blog (this thing right here!). i love my blog. i love writing, and quite honestly, one great thing about school starting soon is that i can get back to writing and sharing more! but now i will also have my portfolio. i feel as if i found those jeans that fit just so, that are comfortable, broken in, and well, just me.
do i believe this is destiny? i believe that i was always meant to do this. i just had to catch up with it. my past has written my present. and now, with little things, i’m working on the script for my future.
two things more i want to share.
i’m not a crier. i learned a long time ago how to stuff all that down. but, let me tell you, when i packed up my camera bag, my first camera bag that doesn’t go on my shoulder, my first rolly camera bag to head to seattle, with my little “aileen reilly photography” tag, and it sat on the doorstep next to my suitcase, i teared up. i just couldn’t believe my fortune. this is my life! my dreams. oh my gosh, i’m a photographer! with a HUGE camera bag! packed with tons of gear!!
and then, yesterday, 24 hours ago when i got the email that my portfolio website was live, and i clicked on my domain, and there it was in black and white, and yes, there they were again, the watery eyes. it is unbelievable to me that this is where i am. that with everyone’s support, i have put together exactly my dream.
so, thank you.
and now go check out my site. 
xo
A
ps. the promised photographs ~ sometimes they’re all you have.
me at 3 with my father.
me at 5 with my father. the last most recent photograph i have with him.
me heading off to kindergarten.
one of the first images i photographed:
my brother, age 1, in front of our back door.
i was 9 and already had a camera in my hand.
it’s just what i’ve always done.
and this image still speaks to me.
that is my goal for the images i photograph for you.
A
by Aileen
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