“And the day came when the risk it took to remain closed in a bud became more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” Anais Nin.
My two-year-old recently announced to me that he wants to fly rocketships. He wanted to know if he would have to use his car seat on the rocketship. I told him that he would have a “special” rocketship-seat. That pleased him. He hesitated and then decided that he wanted to fly the rocketship while “mama sit in the backseat.” I told him this was okay by me. I want to be wherever he is when he is achieving his dreams, backseat or not.
That conversation with my son brought me back to the days when the world sat before me and I had all the choices of “what do I want to be when I grow up.” Last year in kindergarten, my third daughter decided she wanted to be a 1) teacher, 2) bus driver, and 3) nail technician. At a similar age, my oldest declared herself on the path to 1) historian, 2) writer and 3) astronaut.
Where were your thoughts at age 5 or age 9 or age 16? What were your dreams?
Like my own children, I had many dreams as a child, most of which seemed out of reach to me. I wanted to be a police officer. And then I wanted to be a rock star. And then I wanted to be a National Geographic Photographer, traveling the world. Well, I went on to law school and became a prosecutor. Check. Turns out my singing voice is really not so great. Remove from list. And 30 years later, I’m still taking pictures. I had a detour on my road to traveling the world (marriage, four kids, mortgage). But I suppose there’s still time.
I am about to embark on reaching for one of those childhood dreams. One that has been strewn along the floor of my brain for what seems like my lifetime. I may not be traveling the world and experimenting with new cultures. But that’s okay. I will be meeting new peoples. And asking them to take me into their homes and to trust me with themselves. To trust me with that piece of themselves or with that part of their children that is the substance of who they are. To peer into their souls if only for a shutter click. I hope I am worthy.
This year, specifically the past eight months, have been challenging in many ways, but in other ways, a blessing. Discomfort forces your body and your mind to stretch in new directions in search of a comfortable resting place once again. Stagnation is never good. Staying in one place for too long causes that pins-and-needles feeling. It’s important to keep moving. Adjusting. I found in this year, more than others, that Faith arises in times you thought you didn’t have any left.
Last year I turned 40. There was no crisis for me, just another birthday. I remember talking to my 90 year old grandfather when he called to wish me a Happy Birthday. I lamented that half my life was over. And he said to me, oh so wisely, “Aileen, I’d rather be facing another 40 years than just 3. You have your whole life in front of you.” And you know what, I do. And so do you, whoever you are reading this.
Today, I take that risk and I blossom. Reach up to the sky with my arms held wide. Dreams. They are a beautiful thing indeed.
A true heartfelt “thank you” to those who have encouraged me along the way and who have helped make all of this (look around the site — up there, down here, over there) possible. xo A
by Aileen
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