i used to be cool | seattle, wa

that’s the phrase that gets everyone.

“i used to be cool.”

how many moms have come up to me and told me they found themselves laughing and nodding their heads in agreement?!  too many.

let me back-up.

on memorial day monday, i had my little 3 year old help me with a video contest entry to try to win one of the six student spots to Zack Arias‘ creativeLIVE Studio Lighting Workshop in seattle.  had i really thought i had any chance of winning, i might have showered or you know, gotten dressed in something other than my pjs.  who knew my youtube video would end up with OVER 3000 hits.  lovely.  no makeup, no shower, no real clothes.  and this is my 15 minutes?!  please, in the next life, can i get a little warning?

so, my video was chosen for one of the student slots.  by Zack’s uber-talented wife, Meghan.  we have a lot in common.  we’re both creatives.  we both have 4 kids.  we both feel the disconnect between being a mom and trying to “schedule” our “me” time, our “creative” time (ever try to “schedule” creative time?  doesn’t really work that way.).  only differences include, well, she’s 31 and i’m 41.  there’s that, the 10 years.  oh, and i used to be cool.  she’s still cool. 

in the week before the workshop, i packed my bags, lined up things for my four kids, and knew that stepping onto that plane and disembarking in seattle would be a little like flying into my past.  not only would i be traveling childless, but i was returning to seattle, the city of my singlehood, my young adulthood, my working careerhood, my living alonehood.  premarriage, prekids.  you know, back when i was cool.

my four days in seattle were tremendous, incredible, unbelievable, emotional, thought-provoking and soul-searching.  pretty powerful stuff.  in my head, there are two levels to the weekend.  the basics, the workshop, the incredible people, and all the learning.  operating at another level though was the stuff in my head, the career questions, the sometimes inherent conflict between being a mom and working, the “who am i” questions, the “what am i doing” questions, the “i’m getting old” thoughts, the “what am i going to do” questions, the “i wish i had more time” thoughts, the “i started too late,” the “i don’t have enough time,” the “i wish i could go back” craziness, the endless running commentary in my head.  i’ll label the two levels for this post.  you can pick whichever section you’re interested in.  both, if you’re feeling adventurous.  and if you have extra time on your hands.

warning:  this might be a long one.  why don’t you go grab something to drink and come back.

THE WORKSHOP

right there, above, is command central.  well, a part of it.  let me just start out by saying that the scope of this workshop and all the behind-the-scenes work was immense.  when i arrived, i was completely blown away by the vast amount of equipment (thanks B&H) and the number of people involved.  one of the first people who introduced himself to me was a guy named Ed.  and he said, “hi, i’m Ed.  loved your video.  you probably won’t see me much because i’m behind the scenes.”  and then i proceeded to see him everywhere, including submerged in a 50 gallon fishtank amongst who knows how many .50 caliber shell casings so that he could hide a video camera there for Zack’s grand finale shoot.  in fact, Ed slept there at the warehouse for all three days of the workshop.  that was the kind of dedication present at creativeLIVE.  everyone there was top-notch.

and let’s talk about “everyone.”  there are a lot of people involved to make something of this magnitude not only come off, but to come off fabulously (have you seen the twitter comments?!).  “everyone” to me means all the creativeLIVE people (and that alone is A LOT of people, but especially Craig Swanson, Sara, Ed, and Dan), Chase Jarvis, all the volunteers staffing the chatrooms and answering twitter questions, Zack’s crew responsible for the sets (Meghan, Robin, Sherri, Dan, Will, Troy), the overnight workers getting the feeds going for viewers around the world, and of course, it almost goes without saying, Zack Arias himself.

but it must be said.  Zack is truly the best kind of teacher.  he not only knows his stuff cold, but he cares about his students.  there are no stupid questions.  he wants to help you in any way that he can.  he is patient, giving, and kind.  and he is a family man.  he says that, and he means it.  it’s a family affair.  his wife Meghan, other than when she was scouring Goodwill or Home Depot searching for set props, or running a fever and throwing up, was at the set as long as Zack was.  and so was their one year old son, Hawke.  Zack says it again and again, family first.

and then there were the other students.  that’s us there on Zack’s screen:

iphone image.  jordan aka canada is missing.  probably schmoozing with the ladies.

my life is better because of meeting the other students.  so much diversity amongst us, whether in career path, chosen area of photography, level of business, etc…  but the bottom line is that we all share a love of photography.  not one of us was there to stand out.  rather, we stood together.  true friendships formed.  inside jokes shared.  they are all good people and you can find links to their sites down below.  check them all out.  give them some blog love.  they deserve it.  each one of their portfolios is extraordinary.  so much talent.  follow their work.  they’re all going places.

i now sit here to try to sum up the course.  and i find it is unsummable.  yep, just made that word up.  Zack imparted so much information on studio lighting, and it was really at all levels of understanding.  for someone like me who has never worked with strobes or modifiers, and who only uses a flash when i absolutely have to, and even then crosses my fingers that i’m not doing something screwy on the back of it to the TTL settings, but who wouldn’t know how to set lights manually if i were paid to and whose eyes glaze over at the thought of trying to figure all this out, well, let’s just say, Zack makes it all understandable.  and do-able.  the mystery of lights is gone.  Zack is a demystifier.  yep, think i just made up that word too.

if you’re a photographer and you didn’t watch this creativeLIVE Workshop as it was happening, you can still see it.  and it will be worth your time and $129.  click here to order it from the creativeLIVE site.  if you ever have the chance to see one of Zack’s workshops in person, do it.  the creativeLIVE download is the next best thing though.  you should order it, and more importantly, WATCH it, even if you think you don’t need no stinkin’ lights.  because at some point, you probably will, and just face it, knowing this stuff will make you a better photographer.  simple as that.

over the course of the 3 day workshop, Zack shot models and bands to demonstrate the lessons he was teaching.  we even had an in-house concert from Head Like A Kite on Saturday night.  good stuff.

i call that last one there “beer in a panda head.”

Zack.  he is a sucksessful band and commercial photographer.

on the final day, each student had a chance to shoot with a model while Zack shot the band Fences.  here are my SOOC (straight-out-of-camera) shots with my 17 year old model/rapper.  i can’t wait to shoot with more lights and play.

earlier this week, Zack posted on his blog an excellent summary of the modifier comparisons he ran on Sunday morning.  excellent stuff.  there are so many modifiers out there, and like Zack says, it’s not a morality question, sometimes it’s, hmm, what do i have available?

and then, Sunday night, Zack put a model in a fishtank.

of course.

what else was left?!

okay, so for those of you that just wanted to read about the workshop, you can end here, check out the links listed way down there at the end, and then head over to creativeLIVE to order the digital download of Zack’s extraordinary workshop.   posthaste.

THE OTHER STUFF

{ hey pixel peepers ~ the rest of the images here were taken with my iphone from 25K feet above on my flights to and from seattle ~ they are SOOC }

so, here we go.  the other stuff.  there’s the “who am i?” and “how did i get here?”

i’m not new to photography, but i’m new to doing this as a business and actually getting paid to do what i love.  before i had this business, i was am a stay-at-home-mom of my four children.  and before that?  that lifetime ago i was an attorney; first a prosecutor of felony criminal offenses, and then, a white collar criminal defense attorney.  it’s been 10 years since my first child was born, and i’ve been home with my kids for those 10 years.  on the day i gave my final notice at work, where i said that’s it, i’m going to stay home with my baby, i received a phone call from the U.S. Attorney’s Office, offering me my “dream job” in the Criminal Division.  this was what ran through my head at the time ~

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
and sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I -
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

~ Robert Frost

i turned the dream job down.  and stayed home.

looking back, maybe it wasn’t the dream job.  maybe there is something else at play here.  someone who knows better.

i don’t regret the decision to stay home.  but of course, i have to say that.  it hasn’t always been easy.  it gets easier, at the same time it gets harder.  more kids = harder.  different issues = harder.  experience = easier.  accepting (and expecting) chaos, not demanding perfection of myself, and realizing on the grand scale of things that i do a pretty damn good job = easier.  but that (the tasks and emotions of a stay-at-home-mom) is not what i’m here to write about.  first of all, boring.  and second, boring.

the thing is, once you have a child, as a woman, you are forever a mom first.  always.  to yourself, and most noticeably, to other people.  and i think this is true more so of moms then dads.  a man is not thought of first as a dad, and then as a { insert profession here }.  nope.  just the moms.  and really, once you have FOUR.  wow, you must really mean that mom-thing.  you are a MOM.  and that’s ok too, i guess.  it’s just that sometimes the “me” that was there before the kids, well that “me” has gotten lost in the process.  i was a person, with interests, with goals, with dreams.  in fact, not just me, but any mom, and lest i be accused of being sexist, any man before he was a dad.  it’s just, and i’m going to make a broad statement here, i think it’s easier for dads to retain that part of themselves, their “me,” more so than for moms.  right now, i can hear my husband laughing.  he’s thinking, “really?  ’cause i don’t see it.”  but whatever.  it’s my blog.  if there’s a man that wants to write about that, he can start his own blog.  (and p.s. i said “easier.” not a done deal by any means.)  think about this, there are “room moms” at school, and “team moms” for the kids’ sports.  but no “room dads” or “team dads.”  why?  well, because traditionally the mom was home and performed those roles.  but guess what?  we’re in 2010.  moms work too. and yet, the moms’ roles (and expectations) continue “as is”, or more appropriately “as was,” and then now add-in the work too.  dads, on the other hand, have always primarily been the worker, and as society becomes more, ahem, enlightened, dads have added in tasks to the dad list (seriously, how many of you have dads or grandfathers that wouldn’t know how to change a diaper or give a baby a bath if you asked them?  moms and grandmas?  well, where’s the diaper stuff and point me to the bathtub.  duh.)  but dads didn’t start with all things children and then add in work.  ok, moving on.

i looked around at the workshop, and thought, wow, i’m 41 years old.  i’m here with a guy who was taught in HS by my college friend.  i’m here with a guy who was graduating HS when i was having my first baby.  i’m here with a woman who followed the path i once dreamed of (no, she’s not at NG but she went to school for photojournalism, and she’s following that path ~ see below).  i’m here with a guy who has probably traveled to more countries than i have fingers and toes.  i’m here with my teacher who is younger than me and who has been doing this for 15 years.  i’m here with wonderful, talented, creative individuals who have it so much more together than i do.  i looked around at the workshop, and thought, i love this stuff, but i’m just getting started.  what the heck took me so long to get to this point?  why did i start so late?  and i find myself quickly trying to grasp and reach for all those parts of myself that seem to have disappeared in the past 10 years of staying home with my children.  i want to make this work.

hellloooo, aileen, you in there somewhere???

and then i think, hey you, you’re a mom.  you don’t have time to run a business.  you have 4 kids.  you don’t have any time to do all the things you want to do with your business to become successful.  and then i think, hey, that’s ok, i just want to be sucksessful, like Zack.  uh oh aileen, you’re gonna have to get your cool on again.  and then i think, hey you, other moms do it, why can’t you?  and i realize, they must have kids that listen.  or kids that clean up after themselves.  or a nanny.  or the kids listen AND the kids clean up after themselves AND they have a nanny AND the grandparents live nearby AND they’re better at time management AND they don’t write blog posts talking to themselves.  kidding.  but you get my point.  there is an inherent conflict between my momhood and my creativehood.  and maybe that’s just me.  but, damn shoot, this is hard stuff.  i constantly feel like i’m not performing up-to-par in any area.  i don’t feel like i’m failing, no not that; rather, nowhere do i feel like i’m doing my best, but not for lack of trying.

so, why didn’t i do this { photography } earlier?  i have always loved photography.  a camera has been in my hand and a part of my life pretty much since age 8.  why didn’t i recognize this?  why didn’t i see photography as a viable choice?  because i know i thought about it.  i just couldn’t see the road.  how to get there.  i saw that i wanted to be a photographer or a photojournalist if you will, perhaps for national geographic or a NGO, but i just couldn’t see the how.  there was no definite.  nowhere to point and say, this is the path you take to reach your goal.  for law, there was a path.  it was definite.  go to law school, get a degree, pass the bar exam, presto, and you’re a lawyer.  so, i guess i took the easy way, metaphorically speaking.

life is a series of choices.

i made mine.

and now i’m making some new ones.

i just hope i’m not too late to the party.

for the discerning eye, you can see mt. rainier (forefront), mt. st. helens (to the right), mt. adams (far left) and mt. hood (2nd from left).

it was an incredible weekend, from start to finish, and everything in between.

and, now, home.

as i just looked down, i realize it is probably no coincidence that i sit here writing this post in the exact same pajamas glamour outfit i wore when i taped my video contest entry for Zack’s workshop.

i am comfortable.  there are no pretenses.

i am me.

xo

A

one of my favorite parts of the weekend was all the great conversations, with the other students, with Zack, and with Zack’s female crew.  Robin, my fellow “i used to be a lawyer but now i’m a photographer and by the way i’m a mom too,” i loved talking about the paths that we took and why.  Sherri, i loved our talk about goals and dreams and the importance of writing them down.  and Meg, thank you for choosing my video, but more than that, thank you soul sister for all your conversation Sunday night.  your 31 year old creative self is still young, hold on tight, and don’t lose her.  you don’t want to be 41 saying, “i used to be cool.”   dear friend, i look forward to seeing you in 2 weeks in DC.

and Zack, thank you so much for the opportunity.  thanks for giving this formerly cool mother of four a shot at being more than just a mom with a camera.  time to get my cool on.  A

THE LINKS

i wish i could say there was a prize for getting this far, but alas, there’s not.  sorry.  the reward will be in clicking on all these links.  discovering awesome photographers.  supporting CceativeLIVE.  soaking up the excellence that is Zack.  looking farther and listening to his creative and most talented wife Meghan.  go forth.

Studio Lighting creativeLIVE Workshop Download.

Chase Jarvis.

Zack Arias ~ the man himself.

Meghan Arias ~ singer extraordinaire.  check out her tunes here.

Dan DePew ~ Zack’s right hand guy, number one assistant.

Rachel Thurston ~ student.  photojournalist.  wedding and commercial photographer.  followed the path from the start.

Erik Krebs ~ student.  photographer trapped in a working man’s body.  sometimes stalker. 

Jeramie Shoda ~ student.  photography and tech geek.  I-5 buddy.

Nick Lopez ~ student.  music lover.  explorer of people.  photographer with a studio.  and a bar.

Jordan Cartwright ~ student.  world travelin’ photographer.  single guy.  Canadian.  (all the single ladies, this might be where you want to start…)

Head Like A Kite ~ Seattle eclectic hip-hop band.

Fences ~ Seattle band.

B & H Photo ~ this link supports creativeLIVE specifically.